Solstice thoughts

Solstice is my favorite time of year. Some people think it's because it's the longest day of the year, but I approach winter solstice with the same reverence. It emphasizes the cyclical nature of the world, and what can I say, I'm all about cycles. The cycles of the sun, moon, plants, friendships, relationships, cravings, my own growth & insights. And just like Yeat's concept of the gyre, the fascination is in the complexity.

And this year, I'm totally caught up in it. I've been looking forward to it for days. I keep thinking about cycles, wondering where this particular curvature of our lives is going to take us. Jobs here, or abroad? Which of us will work and which will take care of the Bean? I wonder where my writing will take me in the next year and if I'll be able to develop the 16 ideas lurking in the forefront of my brain at the moment (now if I could just quit my compulsive cleaning and volunteer sh%$ maybe I could develop these into more than notes). And as I watch my little Bean sprout in front of me I wonder, as always what kind of person she'll become, but right now I'm mostly wondering what she'll do next.

You see, Lu has turned into a bona fide toddler. And it's a cliche in some ways. One morning Mike and I are sitting on the couch and she comes out of the kitchen to watch TV wearing her sunglasses and drinking from her bottle. She spins in circles . . . a lot. She carrys around a bucket filled with blocks, plays tug-o-war with the dog, runs outside any chance she can get, and has learned how to take her diaper off. I know I should probably be mourning her lost babyhood, but I'm eccstatic we've (mostly) moved past the playing in the toilet stage. As I've said before, for better or worse, I'm not the most sentimental mother.

I'm spending most of my day either laughing myself silly or exasperated as hell. I may shoot myself for saying this, 'cause I never thought I would, but I'm beginning to enjoy being a stay at home mom. And not for the obvious I-don't-have-to-work-or-do-anything-I-don't-want-to reasons. I'm excited about taking her to the library, starting swim lessons, going to the zoo and making animal sounds (and not having people look at me funny). Part of me misses work. I miss writing, creating, teaching, learning, and feeling like I'm contributing to the world and our bank account. But I guess I always assume I'll go back to work someday and then I can revisit that part of my identity.

I can't be all things at once. I've tried, it sucks. So for right now I get to indulge the mama/caretaker/healer/cook/gardener side of me that loves to nurture. It'll get saccarine sweet soon enough. But then I can get witty and cynical and selfish (besides, friends and collegues who read my writing tell me I'm funnier during that stage). I can feel the cycles in me best at this time of year. It tells me that even if I'm frustrated now, even if I feel stagnant, it will change. Things will balance out and right themselves again soon - it's all part of the cycle.